I faked an abortion last night.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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