Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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