That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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