I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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