So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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