Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
false alarm, still single
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
