Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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