If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
of course. lets lasso hookers.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Randomize
