the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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