I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Do vagina's smell?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
