i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
where are my eyebrows?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize