Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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