i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
