So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
