just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
