I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
