Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
