Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
