I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
