and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
pray to the hookup gods
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize