I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
