I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
