I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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