Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
