I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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