I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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