This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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