made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
