I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
