Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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