I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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