all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
