I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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