think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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