If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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