I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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