the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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