Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
