Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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