apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
do nipples grow back?
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