How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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