so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
