I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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