I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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