all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
