I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
