I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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