This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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