I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
