That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
