Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
