Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
