Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
