I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
