giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
His nipple licking is glorious
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