dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I need mimosas to revive my soul
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
