remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
