I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
