Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
