His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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