one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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