it was like his penis was on wheels.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
