He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
